You replay the conversation again. You said something completely reasonable: expressed a need, set a boundary, pointed out something that hurt you. But somehow, by the end of the conversation, you were the one apologizing. You were the one who felt selfish, demanding, or like you’d hurt them.

Now you’re lying awake at 2 a.m., wondering: Am I really that wrong? Am I missing the mark that much?

Here’s what makes narcissistic relationships so disorienting: the problem isn’t that you’re wrong. It’s that someone has convinced you that your reality can’t be trusted.

Most people aren’t walking around on high alert for narcissism. You’re not screening every new relationship for red flags because you’re assuming good intent. You’re hoping for connection, not conducting a psychological assessment.

And narcissistic relationships rarely start with control. They start with charm. With attention that feels intoxicating. With someone who seems to get you in a way no one else has. This is often called love-bombing, an intense period of affection, validation, and focus that feels like finally being seen.

Your nervous system relaxes. You think: This person has my best interests at heart.

And why wouldn’t you? The beginning feels safe. It feels like love.

The transition doesn’t happen all at once. It’s not a light switch. It’s a slow dimmer, turned down so gradually you don’t notice you’re standing in the dark.

Maybe they start questioning your judgment. Suggesting your friends don’t really understand you. Pointing out small ways you’ve disappointed them. Making you feel like you need to try harder, be better, prove your loyalty or love.

When you look back later, you realize it was death by a thousand paper cuts. No single moment was dramatic enough to leave. But the cumulative effect left you exhausted, confused, and constantly second-guessing yourself.

Narcissists don’t see boundaries as healthy relationship tools. They see them as threats. As barriers to control. As something to bulldoze or navigate around.

So when you try to set a boundary like “I need some time to myself this weekend” or “I’m not comfortable with you speaking to me that way”, they don’t respect it. They make you feel guilty for having it.

Suddenly, your reasonable request becomes evidence that you’re selfish. Uncaring. Hurting them.

And here’s where your anxiety kicks in.

Your nervous system, which may have learned early on that other people’s comfort mattered more than your own needs, sends up an alarm: You’ve hurt this person. You need to fix it.

The guilt feels overwhelming. Urgent. True.

But here’s the question worth sitting with: Is the guilt necessary?

Have you actually done something wrong that needs fixing? Or has someone weaponized your anxiety to make you abandon a boundary that protects you?

This is one of the most important questions in narcissistic abuse recovery: Who’s making the assessment here, your anxiety or your logic?

Your anxiety says: I’m a bad person. I’ve hurt them. I need to apologize and make this right.

Your logic says: I asked for something reasonable. Their reaction is disproportionate. This doesn’t happen in my other relationships.

Narcissistic relationships create a specific kind of relational trauma. They teach your nervous system that your needs are dangerous. That your reality can’t be trusted. That love means constantly managing someone else’s emotions at the expense of your own.

Over time, this doesn’t just affect that one relationship. It affects how you show up everywhere. You start questioning yourself in situations that have nothing to do with the narcissist. You feel guilty for boundaries you set with other people. You second-guess your perceptions even when you’re alone.

Your anxiety becomes the tool that keeps you compliant, even after the relationship ends.

Recovery from narcissistic abuse is about learning to trust yourself again. Recognizing when guilt is unnecessary, understanding that your anxiety isn’t always telling you the truth, and rebuilding your ability to hold onto your own reality. You’re not broken. You adapted to an environment where your reality was constantly questioned, and now you get to learn something different. Therapy can help you separate your anxiety from your logic, trust yourself, and set boundaries without the crushing guilt that used to follow.

If this sounds familiar and you’d like support in recovering from a narcissistic relationship, you can find more information here: